The Haze
by MaddieIsWhatIAm
Summary: One night can determine the rest of your life. "Sometimes I wish I could go back to that night and erase everything I did. Who knows, maybe you'd be safe. I can't say it's your fault, because it's mine." Rating might go up in later chapters.
1. The Prologue

**Howdy there! So, this is my first official BTR fic, and I'd love some feedback on whether or not to continue this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, really.**

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><p>One night can change your life, and unfortunately for me, my life changed in the back of a car.<p>

That night, one simple night that was supposed to be so great, ended in disaster. Neither of us could predict the outcome.

I guess it was really my fault and not yours.

I was the one who made you come get me.

I was the idiot who drank too much.

It was stupid to go clubbing, I know. I'm 16, for crying out loud! I should have known better. But I just wanted to get away from everything.

You told me that I shouldn't go drink to get away from my life, but I didn't listen. I didn't really have any thoughts, other than "I want out." It was wrong to just leave you alone, but I had to go.

I don't think you understand how much it killed me inside to do that. I know that you had every reason to hate me. I hated me.

I got to the club and snuck in. It was easy because they didn't ask anyone for I.D.'s. I remember the flashing lights, the pounding bass, and the mass of bodies moving as one on the dance floor. I slunk my way through the pulsating crowd and found myself at the bar. In my head, I could hear you tell me not to do anything stupid, so I ignored it and ordered the strongest thing on the menu.

I remember it burned on the way down and immediately went to my head. The haze in my mind left me feeling numb to everything going on.

I don't remember too much else. I get flashes of dim, alcohol-shrouded memories. A man, sliding his hands along my sides as we danced. A different man, faceless, pushing me against a wall in a bathroom and forcing himself on me. And then you, picking me up from the ground of the bathroom, wiping the tears from my face and giving me your jacket to cover up so you could take me to your car.

You are the only thing I remember clearly from that night at all. Your helping touch was soft, not rough like the other men. You laid me down in the back seat of your car and you got into the driver's seat. The car gently purred to life.

We would've made it out of the parking lot and back home if it hadn't been for that one guy in the truck. I had seen his swerving lights from the back seat, but you hadn't. The alcohol on my brain made my tongue thick, making me unable to speak.

You pulled the car out of the lot, and** BAM!** The truck collided with your car, right at the spot where you were sitting.

I can't tell you anything else, because I hit my head and blacked out.

I can tell you that, because of me, you're dead now and I don't deserve to be here.

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><p>Logan, you don't know how much I miss you. I never got the chance to tell you what I should have when you were alive.<p>

I love how smart you are. I love how your eyes look the second you find out something new. I love the way you purse your lips and narrow your eyes when you're angry. I love the way you breathe. I love the way you walk. I love the way you are. I know it's too late to tell you.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that night and erase everything I did. Who knows, maybe you'd be safe. I can't say it's your fault, because it's mine. I just wanted you to be safe.

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><p>I went to your funeral a week after the accident. That was the first night I saw you. You came back, but only to me. James, Carlos, Katie, Mom- none of them could see you. I could, though, so I knew that I was the most important to you. They all thought I was crazy and kept denying the fact that you were there, but I could see you clearly.<p>

A month after that incident was when Katie found out I was cutting myself. If I hadn't cut too deep and passed out, I would've still been at home. I only did it to be closer to you. To hear those words of advice and calm again, just like you gave me before that night.

That's what brought me here- the Palm Woods Mental Institute.

I swear to you, Logie, I'm not crazy. I just miss you and would do anything to see you again. I promise, for the next year I'm here, I'll work really hard to be normal again and get myself out of this haze. All for you. I would do anything for you. You just need to make one promise to me, okay? Visit me every day I'm here and you're not. I need you to survive. Without you, I'm just Crazy Kendall. But with you? I'm invincible. You are the most important thing I've ever had in my life, and I'm not letting that go by taking some pill. I'm content to see you every day, whether or not I'm right in the head.

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><p><strong>That's all I've got so far for chapter 1. Like it? Hate it? Any ideas you have? I'd love to hear! Review please!<strong>


	2. Flashback to Five

**A/N: So, hey. I'm not dead, I promise! My Kindle was just being an idiot and wouldn't let me update. But new chapter! Mainly this is just a short filler until I can get the main story block set up, but I hope this is still enjoyable.**

**I don't remember if I disclaimed anything, but: me no own.**

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><p>Let's take a moment and rewind my life, alright? Let's start at the moment I met you.<p>

Two five year old boys had just finished different sports classes at the YMCA in downtown Duluth, Minnesota. The little boy came from the peewee hockey arena was trying to hurry up a woman with a baby. The other little boy, just coming from tae-kwon-do practice in his smart white uniform complete with the white belt had his mother in tow. Neither boy was paying attention to the other; so desperate were they to go home and eat dinner. The woman toting around the baby while trying to keep up with her hyperactive son didn't notice the small fleece blanket the infant was holding fall to the floor.

Not a moment later, the woman was tapped on the hip. She turned around and was greeted by a pair of astute brown eyes and a tiny hand holding up a soft pink blanket. A quiet voice followed.

"Ma'am, you dropped this blanket."

"Kendall, would you grab Katie's blankie for me? My hands are full." The miniature blond boy stepped around his mother and puffed out his tiny chest. "Ahem. I'll take that, please."

The brunette child turned to the hockey boy. "Here you go." The aforementioned hockey boy grabbed the blanket from the other.

"What's your name?" asked the blond.

"Why do you need to know? I'm not supposed to tell strangers anything."

"So I can tell my mommy the name of the boy who gave us Katie's blanket back. And I won't be a stranger anymore. My name's Kendall," proudly stated the hockey boy.

"I'm Logan," replied the other boy.

"Do you wanna be friends? You can be my best friend."

"I've never had a friend before..." the brunette trailed off.

"Well you do now."

Even from a young age, you captivated me. What made you so kind? Why were you so smart? Why did you give us Katie's blanket?

That entire week, I remember asking my mom all the time if Logan could come over and play. The moment she finally caved, I called you up and we had the best night ever. Or at least, I did. Hugging you until you calmed down because you missed your bedroom at home was the best part for me.

Even then, I cared for you more than I really should've. Even now I do.

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><p><strong>AN: So...what do you think? Huh? Was it good? I promise I'll update more when I can get my new Kindle to cooperate. Please leave reviews and tell me what I can work on or anything you'd like to see come up in the story.**


	3. Charts, Clocks, and Counting

**A/N: Howdy! Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I tried uploading this a week ago and FanFiction was being an evil demon and not letting me log in so I threw a small fit and complained about it all over Twitter for an hour. Long story short, I apologize for the late update. I know this chapter isn't very long considering it's been a month since the last one. I'll try and update faster, but I have inconsistent access to a computer that isn't mine. Blame the idiot who keeps locking the computer and changing the password, and not the author girl. Anyways! This was a long author's note, so proceed to the story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, any of the medicines mentioned, or DC shoes. In fact, I own one pair of shoes and no television shows. Read on.**

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><p><strong>Patient Name: <strong>Kendall Donald Knight

**Room Number: **426

**Reason(s) for Institutionalization: **Schitzophrenia, manic depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, trauma-induced hallucinations

**Medications: **Depakote, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft

**Special Care Instructions: **Therapy twice weekly at 5:00 P.M.

**Approach patient with caution.**

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><p>I promise you, I'm not as crazy as they're making me seem. Sure, I have some problems, but who doesn't? So maybe things went bad after that night with Logan.<p>

Let me reread my chart again- as if I didn't have it memorized!- and tell you why they're practically all wrong about me.

Name? That's right. Room number? 426. I asked for this room, actually. The numbers 4, 2, and 6 are on Logan's license plates.

Schitzophrenia? I'm not even sure what that is, let alone why they even think I have it.

Manic depression? Wrong. All wrong. Sure, I'm depressed, but not as much as they think I am.

I only have one personality, so I'm not really sure why they think I've got borderline personality disorder.

And trauma-induced hallucinations? No. These aren't induced by trauma and I can tell you for sure that he's not a hallucination. Logan is very much real. He isn't some errant thought that I can just get rid of with some fancy, lab-manufactured medications.

James and Carlos stop by to see me sometimes. Logan always tries to join the conversation, but they pretend not to hear him, just like they did before that night at the club. So I do what I always did and say, "Logan says..." and they give me this look like I really am crazy. Like I actually belong in this too clean and too polite facility.

I don't get why they don't just listen to Logan. I mean, I always do. I want him to feel important. Like how important he is to me. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to tell him how much I love him.

You see, Logan comes to visit me a lot more than James and Carlos do. James and Carlos come by once a week, but Logie comes every day and stays the whole day- morning 'til closing. I don't know why he skips class to see me, but maybe he has a good reason. He's smarter than our teacher anyways, he could practically teach me everything himself. And he usually does. I don't like paying attention to Mrs. Collins. She always dresses like a grandma, and for some reason she hates me. It might be because I never turn in my homework and I talk all through her lessons, but no one can really be sure. It's not like I don't want to listen to her, but she's boring. If she were funny and attractive like Logan, I might actually do things in the class.

Mrs. Collins isn't my teacher anymore. Since I'm institutionalized, I don't really have to learn, but I do anyways. If I ever get out of here, I don't want to be stupid. I have a tutor who comes in my room every day and teaches me things. He's funny and smart and really cute. I learn so much from him, and we get along really well.

I was sitting on my bed and looking at my clock, counting each second until the little hand reached back around to the 12. Sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, twenty four hours in a day, seven days in a week, fifty two weeks in a year, and around seventy years in the average lifespan. Tick, tick, tick, tick. I waited silently as the minute hand clicked to the 12, and the hour hand hit the 9. A knock was heard at my door- on time, as always.

9 o'clock means tutoring time. Tutoring time was from 9 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon. My schedule consists of science, math, Spanish, social studies, and language arts. Each class lasts around an hour and a half. Don't worry, we get a lunch break in there.

I got up from my bed and opened the doorknob. There he is. My tutor. Today, my tutor is wearing a black t-shirt, a burgundy cardigan, black skinny jeans, and a pair of black DC shoes. Very nice. Very _professional_. He comes into my room, and greets me with a smile. His upturned lips and sparkling eyes give me cause to be happy. Everything about him makes me happy to see him again, even if he does bring the premise of learning things that I will never care about in my life.

His lips drop his overly happy grin, but the spark in his eyes remains and his mouth forms words of greeting.

"Hey, Kendall."

I smile back at him and offer my usual greeting.

"Hey, Logie."

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><p><strong>AN: So, what'd you all think? I know that twist kind of made this story confusing, but I swear to you it'll all work out eventually. And to the curious reader who keeps wondering if there'll be some kind of amazing Kogan supernatural love, there will. I hope I can live up to your expectations!**

**Read, review, and recommend to all your friends!**

**You can mix and match those too. Either way is fine!**


	4. Work If You WantYou Will Never Find Me

**A/N: I'm kind of super lame and I only get a computer once every month. So I guess updates will be monthly…? Yeah, sure. That sounds about right.**

**I know this story isn't too popular, and I'm not asking for it to get there because my writing is kind of mediocre and the plot is kind of confusing, but please review/put on alert/recommend to friends if you would. It really makes my day.**

**To all of you who've read and reviewed: thank you!**

**Read on!**

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><p>He smiled at me such a cute smile. With the right side of his mouth quirking upward faster than the left side and his perfect round teeth showing, it was enough to fill me with warmth on the inside.<p>

"So, Kendall, are you ready to study today?" Logan asked, shrugging his heavy backpack off of his shoulders. He always kept it so full.

I shook my head no. "Logie, c'mon, do we have to? You know I can't learn new things."

"Now if that were true, you never would've been potty trained, you never would've been able to feed yourself, you never would've been able to dress yourself, you wouldn't know how to write, and you never ever would've picked up hockey."

I let out a long, exaggerated sigh. "You know that's not what I meant. Why can't you just chill the teacher mode and hang out?"

"Because technically it's school hours and, as I am so much smarter than Mrs. Collins, I am your teacher. I swear, that woman got her teaching degree online."

A chuckle escaped my lips as I replied, "No! She got it on the back of a cereal box!"

Logan's eyes sparkled as he threw his head back and laughed. I felt so good inside. There's nothing better in the world than making the one you love laugh. You know that with a few simple words or a carefully placed comment you can make their day so much better. The laugh they always let out at the dumbest things you say makes the two seconds of extreme stupidity worth everything in the end.

"Kendall, while I agree with you that the woman is hopelessly stupid and unfit to be teaching, we need to get to work."

"No." I replied petulantly, sticking out my bottom lip and crossing my arms across my chest. I was going to pout until he caved and all we did was hang out.

"You're being difficult."

"_You're_ being difficult. You're not just chilling out and hanging out with me like you should be." I shot him a quick smile and tried my most famous line on him. "Besides, opportunities like this only come once in a lifetime. I'm too super cool to be hanging out with nerds like you all the time."

"Well, fine then. I hope that someone else comes to visit you, because I'm just going to leave," Logan teased, reaching for the thick strap of his backpack on the floor and hoisting it up on to one shoulder.

"NOOO. Logie, I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. You're my only friend!"

My favorite brunet turned to look at me. "Now, Kendall, you know that I can only stay if you do your work. Otherwise, I'm going to be forced to leave. Because you need to actually learn things and I could get seriously hurt if you don't. I'm pretty sure this place employs Mafia members. Have you seen those huge orderlies? Yeah. They're going to kill me if you don't do your work."

I cracked a smile. "They're not from the Mafia. They're obviously imported from some Detroit gang. Or maybe they're on work release from some prison. But if you believe that my lack of productivity is going to kill you, then fine. I will work. But only for you."

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><p>After an extensive day of Logan trying to teach me things I'd never understand, me goofing off, Logan threatening to leave, and me begging for forgiveness, I was finally done with all of my work. Which left me just one hour to spend with Logie.<p>

"Hey, Loges, you wanna skip down the hallway and cause havoc and mischief?" I suggested innocently.

"No way! You're going to get me killed one day, Kendall!"

I got this flash of that night with him in the car. Pulsating music, roving hands, a loud crash, pain, and then a grave with the name Logan Phillip Mitchell engraved in its stony surface. Terror gripped me. Because that didn't happen. It couldn't have. Logan was right here with me, and he wasn't going to go away until visiting hours were over. I wouldn't let him leave until then.

I had this feeling that maybe I _had_ killed Logan. Maybe it was crazy, but Logan didn't seem all that real to me at the moment. Almost like he was fading away as my memory pulsed back.

Suddenly, a cool hand touched my shoulder. Instinctively, I shrugged away from the coolness. But the coolness was replaced onto my back. I realized it was Logan's hand trying to provide comfort to a suddenly frightened me, but something didn't feel right.

It was all wrong. Because Logie always made me feel warm deep inside. But I was cold at his touch. The arms twining around me didn't bring comfort, but more a feeling of distance. I looked up into the eyes of Logan, and saw only a transparent view of the beautiful orbs that bring happiness and wisdom to everyone's world. They scared me. They weren't the eyes that belonged to my Logan.

Where is my Logan?

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><p><strong>AN: I know, I know, my chapters need to be longer. But this story moves at a fairly fast pace and I have a feeling that with longer chapters, I would give too much away. So, uh, please review! ANY AND ALL COMMENTS WELCOME (even if they're not so nice.)**

**Let me know how I can improve or if you liked anything.**


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